My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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