I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
