Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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