and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
