Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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