i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize