I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I've blown a few things in my day
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize