I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
