need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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