Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
