note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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