Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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