Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
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