I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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