ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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