his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
