I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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