i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
