drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
