Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
