I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
