I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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