I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
