Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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