I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
