On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
