i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
