Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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