Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize