you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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