Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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