I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
so much tequila, so little girl.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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