i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
