anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
