I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
