Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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