im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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