ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
