remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
