Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
