the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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