you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
