So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
