After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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