I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
