you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
