3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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