yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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