the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
