Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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