I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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