Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
