Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
