I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
