Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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