is your mom at the bar?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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