Having a random hookup so left but love u
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
