DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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